Sunday 17 March 2013

The Panic Which Doesn't Happen Anymore


It all starts, when all of a sudden you are asked to step out of the crowd, and say a few words. Whether it be, answer of a question, a token of appreciation, a presentation or even to ask a question. The feeling (which every stutterer goes through) is something which can't be explained by few words of mine, which can't be understood by someone who never had a problem in arranging and spelling out words by their wish.

It feels as if a vacuum is created in the stomach, some reptile is travelling all throughout your breathing mechanism. Every word you say is a battle won, with panting and sweating around your face (leave behind the nervousness which is already visible). Your eyes not complying to fix themselves at anything, clenching of fists, stiffness of body and the list goes on. This is the exact feeling which I have felt and every stutterer feels when asked to speak publicly. This feeling hasn't left me, since the day I have known of my stammer.

But there has been a change since past 1 year or so, that panic has gone down. It all began when I first attended the National Conference on stuttering organized by TISA. If I compare myself from that Mohit 1 year ago there has been a severe change. The guy 1 year ago was too much obsessed with his emotions, his speech and with each and everything possible on this earth. But now the feelings, the emotions, the approach towards life have changed. That stiffness in me has been let loose (to which I held tight since my childhood). That blame of why me, has also left. No longer have I blamed myself for endless nights and days for a bad moment of stutter, no longer I keep that anger suppressed in myself, which use to come from failure to speak fluently as other people do.

I didn't do anything special in this one year, I didn't take any therapy, I didn't practice any technique religiously, I must say I didn't even tried to do anything. I only believed Dr. Sachin's words in that conference, that " If you accept it as a part of your life, then only you can move past it and realise true potentials in yourself " and since then, these words have been deep dug in my heart. Time has passed by and this 1 year has shown me, that what I wasn’t able to do in 22 years of my life was easily done in just 1 year (even without realisation of it happening).

I still stammer when asked to speak in front of an audience, I still have blocks in my speech, but now these things don’t affect the next word or sentence I am about to speak. These blocks no longer make me all worked up, these tit-bits don’t control the way I am about to behave on that day. Although I haven’t reached that stage yet, of enjoying it while I stutter but that phase has come, where I don’t deal with it as a problem. I just accept it as it is and I try to figure out that what good can be done, the next time I am asked to speak. Now, no longer I have that question in mind, "Will I be able to speak?”. The question is different now, it is "What do I have to speak?” it is more about the content rather than the trivial question of being able to speak.

It not about what good I have reached or what good is yet to be reached, the fight is still there, that known panic is still there, it isn't a cakewalk now, but it isn't as panicky as it was earlier. The transition has been as such, that the journey feels smoother on the same road.